Doubt, Thy Great Enemy

It was right before my 36th birthday and I decided I would get my first Vedic astrology reading.  I scheduled it for right after the 3 hour Saturday morning meditation and prayed deeply to Paramhansa Yogananda, my guru, to have the reading be spiritually insightful.  The reading was just that, and at the end, I was asked if I had considered being a healer?  I was a little surprised but said “Well, I always wondered if I could.”

My biggest obstacle had always been doubt.  Doubt that I was good enough.  Doubt that I was deserving.  Doubt that this was my place.

I came to Ananda in 2004 and quickly took discipleship.  It was like falling back into a previous life.  I had been practicing the Healing Prayers techniques since my arrival and had taken several classes with Mary Kretzmann, head of the healing prayers ministry and signed up for the prayer council.  As I progressed on the path, I could feel more and more energy surging through my body, sometimes more than I could control.  It was scary and thrilling at the same time.  I didn’t want the extra attention as I learned to manage the energy and found that feeling self-conscious just closed the flow and made things worse.   I lingered longer and longer after we sent prayers and felt blessed by the practice.

Flash forward to 2012.  My family moved to California.  I was managing the metaphysical bookstore and working with lots of readers and healers.  One by one they kept telling me that I was a healer and that I should be offering healings.  Still, I doubted that God would ever ask this of me.  That somehow I wasn’t good enough to serve Him in this way.

I practiced playing with the energy and doing more hands-on instead of distance healing with my family and friends.  I took more classes and met privately with Mary Kretzmann to speak to her about doing more hands on healing.  I was still a bit timid so she encouraged me to start doing hand massages or something small where I could incorporate the techniques in until I was more comfortable.

In December 2013 I decided it was time for me to resign from the Bookstore.  I was having trouble connecting in at the Temple and was trying to figure out what Master’s plan was for me.  How would I serve him?  What was my role within Ananda?  Though I felt called to healing, I thought, “But Mary Kretzmann is the healer.”  Finally I was blessed with the realization that Jesus’ disciples went out and healed in his name after his passing.  That saints like Padre Pio could offer healing in his Master’s name.  If Jesus could have more than one healer, than why couldn’t Yogananda?

A friend of mine produced a metaphysical fair in the Sacramento area.  I was over at her house on the Friday before one of her fairs.  She was showing me the layout and told me she had one space left.  She offered it to me free of charge so that I could offer healings by donation and see if this is really what I want to do.  Terrified, I said, “I don’t think I’m ready.”  As I left her house, I thought about the intense prayer at the kriya initiation I attended asking for a very direct, obvious response to what I was to do with this energy and healing.  Here was my answer.  I asked my husband who told me, “You have to take the training wheels off sometime.”  So I called my friend back and asked her if she was serious.  She said, “Of course I was.”  So I took the plunge, made a sign, and got myself ready for my first fair.  It was Super Bowl Sunday.  The fair was 10am-5pm.  I was booked solid with a few short breaks from 11am – 4pm.  I got lots of good feedback; felt blessed the whole time, and found my calling.  I worked through my doubt with trust in God.

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